When the going gets tough, try, try and try again

What is the most important quality you can instil in your children? Resilience.

In our fast-paced, stressful world, all children need the capacity to overcome obstacles and deal with disappointments - whether in school, on the hockey field or in the playground.

Resilient children are those youngsters who handle pressure and challenges with self-assurance and skill. They have a high sense of self-worth; solid interpersonal skills, handle both winning and losing with grace and have realistic expectations for themselves.

Childhood is a time when habits are formed. This is true whether we’re talking about good eating habits or physical activity habits. Developing resilience is no different; it doesn’t happen without practice. Within the childhood field, play has long been acknowledged as an important tool for children's learning and development. Play provides a non-threatening way for children to learn about their world and gain skills necessary for adult life.

Play needs to be child-directed, not adult-directed. It is the only arena in which a young child gets to be in control – in charge! There are no rules other than those they may choose to make up, and if something goes wrong (the square peg doesn’t fit into the round hole, for example), let the child figure it out for themselves. If they turn to you for assistance, you can help them understand why, but wait for them to try first.

That is not to say I’m a proponent of continual failure. There is a balance to be achieved. It’s hard to watch your child do something incorrectly and resist the urge to fix it. No one wants to see their child struggle, even momentarily. However if you refrain from ‘fixing’ everything for them, they will learn to be self directed. Moreover, they will be willing to try and try again.

Furthermore when you play games with your child, you help prepare them for life’s realities, successes and failures by playing honestly. You may have to change the rules somewhat to suit the age or level of understanding, but you shouldn’t do it to ensure they win. This will only teach them that rules can be altered when they don’t suit them. If you win point out some of the things they did well.

Sports are another wonderful activity through which to reinforce resilience; whether it accomplishes this task rests largely in the hands of the coach and other supporting adults. The prevailing thinking has always been that sports build character. It's a prime reason why parents enrol their children in organised programmes, however studies have shown that organised sports, particularly in this age of winning at all costs, can be detrimental to a child's character development. Indeed, true character must be taught; it doesn't simply happen because children are enrolled in football or T-ball.

Sports provide an unparalleled model for dealing with disappointment and misfortune. Young athletes learn to handle adversity, whether it's picking themselves up after losing a big game or not getting as many minutes as they wanted. They find ways to deal with losing and go on because there's another big game next week.

Children who are allowed to work out conflicts on their own and to fend for themselves learn independence and resilience. When trusted to take responsibility, even if that means some mistakes, children gain the courage to make decisions and the gumption to get back up again when life knocks them down.

Help your child handle any sporting activity with confidence:

Plan activities that are appropriate to the age and abilities of children, but also provide them with opportunities to make decisions and solve problems.
Allow children to choose their activities and take responsibility for their choices. Choosing gives them a measure of control over their lives and a feeling of independence. It also shows them that choices have consequences.

When planning activities for a group, allow for varying levels of ability. What may be relatively easy for one child, may pose a frustrating problem for another. Break the activity into smaller, simpler segments so that the child can experience success. Provide positive feedback when the child succeeds. When the group is ready, challenge the children with tasks that are more difficult and allow them to practice solving problems.
Help them view mistakes and failure as learning experiences. Support the effort they've put in by offering specific suggestions on ways they might do things differently in the future (e.g., "If you swing the bat this way, it might help you connect with the ball better next time.").

Visit www.sportmanawatu.org.nz for more tips getting children active.